Summer Confessions

I struggled about writing this post. I wasn't sure if I wanted to. Then I remembered that I started writing for a reason. It is therapeutic for me. I need to write for me. When I started this I promised that I'd "lay it all out" and write about the good, the bad, and the ugly. So, here it is. 

Sweet summertime.

As a school teacher it's normally the best time of year for me. It's a time for relaxation and preparation for the next school year.  This year I was so unsure.  I had all of these ideas of how my summer would be spent with a new baby and now my summer was going to be painfully different.  Rather than getting up in the middle of the night with my crying baby, I was crying in the middle of the night for my baby. 

My husband and I travel to Connecticut during the summer to visit family and friends for a few weeks.  We planned to travel with Tatum this year.  When the time came for our trip this year, we were broken hearted and empty handed.  I had such a difficult time leaving for the trip.  I felt like I was leaving my baby behind.  My baby was going to be staying at the cemetery near my home, and we were leaving without her for over three weeks.  How could I leave without my baby? I knew the thoughts I was having were irrational, but they felt very real.  I felt like I was being a bad mommy by leaving my baby behind.  I noticed myself becoming angry and moody on the days leading up to the trip.  I cried, I was irritable, and I made a big deal out of everything.  All aspects of my life came back to one thing. I was afraid. I wanted to hold on to being able to visit my girl whenever I wanted to. 

While I was pregnant I spent a lot of time worrying about the silliest things.  I thought about how stressful it could be to travel with a new baby, a dog, and the extra supplies that we would need to travel with for Tatum.  I worried about being "those people" on a plane with a screaming baby. Now it was so different.  We sat on the plane and I started to cry. My husband rubbed my back.  He knew exactly what I was thinking.  I would give anything to be "those people" now.  

We arrived in Connecticut. It was bittersweet. I was glad to see our families and friends again, but this was such a different trip than we had originally planned. Every time we went somewhere I wondered, "Would we be doing this if Tatum was here?"

A Brief Moment of Hope

We tried to keep busy, but also spent a lot of time relaxing and enjoying the mild Connecticut summer weather.  I began to feel ill every time I was in the car, which was strange.  I don't typically get car sick. I also realized that I was experiencing these awful headaches daily for a few weeks.   Something was telling me to take a pregnancy test.  My husband and I stopped at a drug store and I purchased a home pregnancy test. Unfortunately for us when we got back to my in-law's house, nobody was home and we did not have a key.  We anxiously waited for them to come home.  When they arrived I went straight upstairs to take the test.  I waited the long two minutes for a result.  Positive. I fluttered my eyes. Am I seeing that right? Where is the word "not"? My mind was moving too fast. I felt joy, sadness, and panic. I called for my husband to come upstairs.  He didn't hear me. My voice began to crack as I shouted his name a little louder.  He came upstairs. I gave him the pregnancy test and said "I'm pregnant." His face turned white and my heart sank. He looked so scared, which crushed the little hope I had. We agreed that we were not going to really tell anyone except for our parents for a long time.  We knew that we would need the support of our parents, but did not want to endure the emotional toll of announcing the pregnancy to anyone else.  

We went downstairs and my mother in-law was in the living room. "Is everything okay", she asked.  We said we were, to which she responded, "are you sure?' My husband and I looked at each other and my husband nodded.  "I'm pregnant", I said.  My mother in-law screamed with excitement. Both she, and my father in-law were very supportive. Over the next few days I thought about how different this pregnancy would be, and how emotional it would be. We were also excited to think that we could possibly have a baby in February. 

We had this life-changing news, but we were still on vacation. We traveled to upstate New York to visit friends, which was a beautifully enjoyable trip. The day after we returned from Connecticut TJ went golfing with his father and his brother.  I woke up and went to the gym.  I was unusually emotional that morning. Now don't get me wrong, I am essentially a bundle of unexpected emotions since the loss of Tatum, but this felt different.  I could not stop the flow of tears.  There I was on an elliptical, in the middle of a gym, crying. I made it through the workout and headed back to my in-law's home.  

Another Crash and Burn 

I got ready for the day and headed out to meet my mother.   My intention was to meet her at the nail salon.  I was so emotional that I could not gather myself to get ready fast enough.  I finally got ready and headed to meet my mom, later than I had planned. She was done getting her nails done, but I met her in the parking lot.  We grabbed lunch and went back to her house to eat.  While eating, I anxiously told my mother about the positive pregnancy test.  We talked about my worries, and hopes.  

We finished lunch. I got up to use the bathroom. While I was in there, I noticed a pink color on the toilet paper.  I began to cry. "It's over", I thought.  I tried to calm myself down as I reminded myself that while I was pregnant with Tatum, although it never happened, the doctor had said that seeing pink was normal and I'd only have to be concerned if I saw bright red. I came out of the bathroom and cried harder as I told my mom.  She tried to reassure me that everything was fine. I calmed down and we chatted about other things for a bit.  Feeling worried, I got up to used the bathroom again. This time there was no pink. I felt relieved.  I stayed a few moments later and decided that it was best that I left to lay down for a bit.  

I got back to my in-law's house.  I told my husband and mother-in-law about my worries.  I went to the bathroom. The pink came back.  I felt sick. I couldn't think of anything else. A while later I went back to the bathroom. Red. It was over. I knew it.  I cried. I felt like my world was crashing down all over again. I told my husband. We both cried.

I was only pregnant for about five weeks.  This loss was nothing in comparison to losing our full-term baby, but it triggered flashbacks for both of us.  I thought about our visit to the emergency room when we received the worst news of our lives. I thought about the delivery room and holding my beautiful baby.  I cried continuously.

The rest of the trip had a different tone.  I tried to keep a happy face, but I couldn't wait to go home. Normally when we leave CT I am upset.  This time, I was certainly going to miss everyone-there's no doubt about that, but I felt that I needed to be home.  We arrived back home and it was like a sense of relief came over me. We were back.

I don't know what I believe in, but I do find comfort in talking to Tatum when I visit her.  A few days after coming home, I went to visit her alone. I cried as I told her about how we were trying to make her baby brother or sister.  I promised her that she'll always be my first baby and that I will always love her.

Concluding Summer

My birthday came.  I was on the verge of tears anytime someone would ask, "what do you want for your birthday?" What do I want? I can't have what I want. I want my baby! I felt completely anxious as my birthday approached.  How could I celebrate my day of birth, when my own baby never got a "birthday". My husband was sweet. He planned a night trip to Disney for the two of us.  We drove to Orlando, park hopped, and spent the night.  There were moments when I would tear up looking at the adorable little girls dressed up like princesses, knowing that our little girl would never get to do that. In all I had a great time. After our stay my husband dropped me off to meet some coworkers for a comedy show. I dreaded going. I knew I would have a good time, but didn't want to sleep away from home again. My husband encouraged me to go. Again, I had a great time. My friends made the night enjoyable and I didn't have much time to think and be sad.

I struggled with my emotions as I prepared to begin another school year.  I became sad that I wasn't having anxiety about my baby beginning daycare.  Instead there I was, preparing for the new school year as a slightly different version of my former self.

After the first day of school, which would have been her first day as well, I decided to make the dreaded trip to Tatum's daycare to finally inform them that she would not be attending.   I entered the building and looked around as I saw a mother in the waiting room with a toddler and an infant who was around the same age that Tatum would've been. I asked to speak to the Assistant Director.  I began to speak, "Hi, um, my daughter was supposed to start coming here today." "Okay...", the girl said. She seemed to be a bit agitated, but I continued. My voice started to tremble as I continued and the tears quickly formed in my eyes, "Well, um, she passed away right before her due date." The girl's face changed, with her mouth wide open. "Oh, I am so sorry", she said.  After that she was very empathetic.  The daycare even refunded our "non-refundable" deposit. Not like that makes things better but it shows that they had compassion for our situation.  Before I left I said, "I hope that we will be back soon". She smiled and said "I hope so too." I turned around and the other three parents in the room were staring at me as I quickly left to my car.  I got into my car and called my husband to tell him that I had just gone to Tatum's daycare.  He tried to protect me from having to do that.  He attempted to go the week before, but they were closed for professional development.  His voice cracked as he said,"you didn't need to do that." "I know", I said, "I just felt like I had to." I asked him to call the daycare with his debit card information to get the refund, since his was the card we used for the payment.  Later that day, my husband told me that he started to cry when I told him that I went.  We both knew that it would be a difficult thing to do. It was.  It was awful, but as much as I would have like to avoid it, I felt like I had to do it.  It hurt so bad to have to tell them that our daughter was not going to be coming because she was not here, but I felt a sense of empowerment as well.  I did something that was difficult. I am facing this head on, regardless of how painful it is, I am doing it.

Now, being a week into the school year, I notice that there are certainly times where I am so busy that I hardly think of Tatum, or the sadness that I feel.  However, once I have a moment of "down time", I do struggle sometimes. So we are here again, 0 for 2, but trying again in hopes of our rainbow soon.  Just as it is difficult to answer "how are you", it is difficult to answer "how was your summer" as well.  Did I have happy moments during my summer? Of course. My husband and I both had many moments of happiness, but everything we do is a reminder of what we are missing.  Days become easier and we continue to live off of hope as we move forward.