Seven Months

Think back to exactly seven months ago.  Do you remember the day? Do you remember what you did that day, what your wore, and how you felt on that exact day? In many cases, this is unlikely.

Seven months ago today I remember exactly what my day was like, what I was wearing, and how I felt.

During the school day, I was teaching my Kindergarten students about the life cycle of a butterfly.  I was wearing a long, black, grey, and white striped dress with a teal cardigan over it.  I remember feeling extra tired that day, and made it a point to take it easy that day..well, as much as I could as a Kindergarten teacher. 

A coworker (and good friend) came to my classroom with her second grade class.  Her students taught my class fun movements to act out for each stage of the life cycle. Then the second graders helped the Kindergarteners make life cycle projects.  The kids were so excited.  Still feeling extremely tired, I apologized to my coworker and sat down for a few minutes. She was very understanding and finished walking around monitoring the students' work.  The rest of the day went like a typical school day for me.  At the end of the day I waddled my way out of the building to meet my husband for our 38 week appointment.

BAM!

Seven months ago our lives changed dramatically.  I can remember the cries, and screams  coming from my husband and me like they happened yesterday. I also remember the painful silence in the room when Tatum was delivered. I remember every doctor, nurse, and person who came into that hospital room.  I still continue play these events back (and everything I wrote in the "Our Story" post) in my mind regularly, not by choice.

I can say with honesty that I am not the same person I was seven months ago.  In some aspects of this, I embrace it.  I am probably a kinder, more compassionate person than I was before, and I have discovered some resilience and strength that I did not know existed in me.  However, there are some aspects that I have not gotten used to yet. I am not used to feeling so out of place and awkward when talking to people.  Small talk has become one of my least favorite things.  It makes me uncomfortable and anxious.

 I am certainly not used to triggers.  I have learned that grieving can be the most unpredictable, unfair process.  I could be having a genuinely good time in public and then BAM, I see a baby. At times, it's okay. I smile and admire the cute baby.  Then there are times I feel sick to my stomach and need to walk way. There are times I unintentionally just stare at the baby, knowing I am missing mine.  The worst for me, is at times, I just burst into tears.  I think about how we should be at the exact place with our little girl too.

There are days when I feel like super woman. I feel strong and like I can handle things. I go about my routine and feel good about my day. Then without any notice, there are days when I feel shattered and broken.  Waking up feels like a chore on these days and I struggle to put on a happy face all day.  I am broken and tired.  Today I was mindlessly scrolling through Facebook when I saw a friend post something baby/kid related.  She tagged mutual friends in the post suggesting that they should all take part in the activity.  BAM.  Another stab in the heart,  Though certainly unintentional, I am the outcast. I now longer "fit in" with some of my friends, and I am worried that it will never feel normal again. I know I probably would've been tagged as well if Tatum was here. I can't take part in those things that they can enjoy together. I don't have the same relationship with people as I should.  It hurts. It's horrible.

'Tis the Season

The holidays are coming.  I am working every day to change my thinking so that I can look at things positively.  I think many people who come in contact with me would agree that I am pretty positive about my situation most days, but the holidays are going to be tough. I already feel myself becoming irritable and reserved because I have been thinking about it.

This is a time of year that I enjoy and was really looking forward to with Tatum.  Instead, I am searching for ways to honor her this holiday season. Instead of making her a stocking, I am looking at butterfly Christmas ornaments.  Instead of piling presents under the tree, I am thinking about which decorative flowers I can get for the cemetery. Instead of sending Christmas cards out to family and friends, I open my own mail with "Congratulations on your new baby" printed on the front because no..that "junk" mail doesn't stop, no matter how hard you try to prevent it.

Looking forward, I am looking forward to getting through the holidays, rather than experiencing them.  I am ready for a new year with (hopefully) better outcomes.

Forever Working on "Us"

In most circumstances I could never remember what I was doing a week ago, never mind seven months ago.  In these seven months, I feel like my husband and I have grown closer than we have ever been. The already awful divorce rate becomes devastatingly worse after the loss of a child.

Right from our stay in the hospital, TJ and I vowed that we were "in this together".  Of course, we have had some bumps in the road. We have had to learn that we may grieve differently.  I had to personally learn that I need to check in with my husband.  No, he is not as vocal about his pain as I am, but that doesn't mean he's not hurting. I have to continue to remind myself of this.

Through it all, we have a greater appreciation for each other.  On my worst days, TJ is there, reminding me that we are still "in this together". I am grateful for him every day.  He is the only person who was there through all of it with me.  We are the only people who truly know our own experience. We share the same devastation, but we also share the same hopes and mini triumphs through all of this.