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A Letter To The Birthday Girl

To Our Sweet Beautiful Tatum, As I write this letter, I still find it hard to believe that you’re not here with us. This past year feels like one long, drawn out nightmare that we are waiting to wake up from, but our reality is that this is our life now.   This has been a year of adjustments and painful firsts as your daddy and I have had to face holidays and milestones that you’re not here to celebrate with us.   You will always be our first baby whom we tried for, planned for, and prepared for. We spent nine months dreaming about what life would be like after your arrival.   We never imagined leaving the hospital without you. We never imagined crying ourselves to sleep, instead of hearing your cries at night.     Our home never felt lonely until last April.   Now, there is always someone missing when we are home.   A year has gone by, and although we cry less often, the pain is still unbearable at times.   How is it possible for your little heart to stop beating without any tra
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Seven Months

Think back to exactly seven months ago.  Do you remember the day? Do you remember what you did that day, what your wore, and how you felt on that exact day? In many cases, this is unlikely. Seven months ago today I remember exactly what my day was like, what I was wearing, and how I felt. During the school day, I was teaching my Kindergarten students about the life cycle of a butterfly.  I was wearing a long, black, grey, and white striped dress with a teal cardigan over it.  I remember feeling extra tired that day, and made it a point to take it easy that day..well, as much as I could as a Kindergarten teacher.  A coworker (and good friend) came to my classroom with her second grade class.  Her students taught my class fun movements to act out for each stage of the life cycle. Then the second graders helped the Kindergarteners make life cycle projects.  The kids were so excited.  Still feeling extremely tired, I apologized to my coworker and sat down for a few minutes. Sh

Summer Confessions

I struggled about writing this post. I wasn't sure if I wanted to. Then I remembered that I started writing for a reason. It is therapeutic for me . I need to write for me . When I started this I promised that I'd "lay it all out" and write about the good, the bad, and the ugly. So, here it is.  Sweet summertime. As a school teacher it's normally the best time of year for me. It's a time for relaxation and preparation for the next school year.  This year I was so unsure.  I had all of these ideas of how my summer would be spent with a new baby and now my summer was going to be painfully different.  Rather than getting up in the middle of the night with my crying baby, I was crying in the middle of the night for my baby.  My husband and I travel to Connecticut during the summer to visit family and friends for a few weeks.  We planned to travel with Tatum this year.  When the time came for our trip this year, we were broken hearted and empty hande

The Results Are In

Hello Again After taking a break from writing I am back to fill you in on the (not so) exciting things that have taken place over the past month. TJ (my husband) and I knew that whatever the results were, it was going to be hard to hear.  In the weeks leading to getting the autopsy results, we had already done lots of researching, reading, talking with friends and family, and we met with a grief counselor.  Just as there is no way to prepare for a tragedy like we have been experiencing, there really is no way to prepare yourself to her the results of your baby's autopsy. Let's Hear It So, let's just get to it. I mean, that's why you're reading this anyway, right? A bunch of tests were performed on me, mostly blood tests. All of these came back normal.  This didn't surprised me much. After all, I had a fairly "normal" pregnancy for nine months.  I had dreadful morning sickness during the first half of the pregnancy, and was swel

Our Story

The day it all came crashing down: Wednesday April 12,2017 was just a typical day. I came straight home from work to head to our 38 week OB appointment with my husband. We had our whole evening planned. We'd go to the doctor, go out to dinner, and stop at the light bulb store on the way home to finally fix the light above our kitchen island.   We (impatiently) waited to see the doctor as she was running behind that day. When we were called back, the medical assistant joked, "still pregnant, I see."   I giggled and replied, "Yep, I'm waddling my way around."   She weighed me and took me back to the exam room where she checked my blood pressure. As she checked we chatted about how the next day would be my last day of work and then I would be on maternity leave and could really start "nesting" now. She left and we waited for the doctor to come in.   The doctor came in and began with her usual questions, "any contractions, gushes of flu